I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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