No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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