The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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