i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
