I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize