He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
