What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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