Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
