Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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