I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The adults are the big ones right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
