3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
