I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
