I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
