Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
