i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
