I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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