I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
