So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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