i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
