bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize