Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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