im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
