This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
