I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
