she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
