As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
