Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
