found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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