those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize