I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
