are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
