Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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