You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize