So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
