I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
