I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
