When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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