You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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