My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
