All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
