Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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