you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize