she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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