Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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