the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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