I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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