I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
