SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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