I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
