awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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