My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
