She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
