I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
