help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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