Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
