We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
