True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
