booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
